Decoding Child's Psychology

Children reap the premier of emotional and mental health of their parents. Which means integrating and plowing your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give to your children. You can use all interactions  I.e demanding, frustrating, fuming, miraculous and adorable which you share with them as opportunities to help them to become more responsible, compassionate, empathetic.

Human brain has different parts which have different functions.

Left brain (Mammalian brain) helps you think logically and organize thoughts in sentences.

Left brain cares about letter of law .Left focuses on text while right brain focuses on context.

(Reptilian brain= right brain) . Right side of the brain helps you experience emotions and read nonverbal cues. It takes care of spirit of law. Right brain cares for big picture, meaning and feeling of an experience, We get the gut feeling and “heart felt sense from our right side brain.

Upper Brain: is similar to left brain which is responsible for action and work attributes.

Lower Brain: is similar to right brain. It is responsible for instinct, gut reaction and survival features.

Our brain has multiple personalities , rational, irrational, reflective, reactive and proactive.

When these parts are not well integrated we anticipate tantrum, meltdown, aggression as the result . We aspire for horizontal i.e right brain left brain (Emotions and logic) integration and Vertical (actions, work) higher and lower (instinct , gut reaction and survival ). Brain matures and blossoms fully at around the age of 20.

Whole process can be envisaged as swimming in a river. There are two extremes between which we have to swim, on one extreme there is chaos and lack of control while on the other extreme is rigidity, too much control, lack of flexibility and adaptability.

When we are closest to the bank of two extremes (chaos and rigidity), we are farthest from mental and emotional health and vigour. In the middle flows the river of well-being, rationality, confidence and pro activity. The longer we avoid either bank, the more time we spend enjoying the river of well-being. Chaos and rigidity occurs when integration is blocked.

Goal is to abstain from living in emotional desert or an emotional flood. Two halves promulgate and integrate together so that we would get the best of our logic and emotions.

Every child is right hemisphere dominant. When stakes are high like a meltdown, tantrum or chaos. It is very important to first try to connect your child’s right brain (Emotions) through feeling, emotions, bodily sensations, images and then with right brain try to connect and redirect the surfing emotional waves. When child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have reciprocated to the right brain’s emotional demands.

Step 1: Connect with right brain.

Communication with right brain, non verbal signals like physical touch, emphatic facial expressions, nurturing tone of voice, non judgmental listening and compassion.

Step 2: Redirect to the left.

Instead of command and demand , try to connect to the left and redirect to the right.

Tell stories to calm big emotions and hyperactive state. Actually telling stories is often exactly what children need, both to make sense of the event and to move on to a place where they can feel better about what had happened. Instead of “dismiss and repulse” try "name it to tame" it to subdue the emotion. 

In high emotions state it is good to take a breather before complying to consider consequences, to reckon about feelings of others, to make ethical and moral judgements.

In upper brain intricate mental processes, sophisticated analytical thinking take place, It performs some other functions as well

1. Sound decision making and planning
2. Mastery over emotions and body
3. Self-understanding
4. Empathy
5. Integrity and Morality

The more your kids think about what’s going on within themselves, the more they will develop the prowess to comprehend and respond to what’s going on in the worlds within and around them.

Give hypothetical situations to children and ask questions to promote ethical and empathetic thinking. Research shows physical movement directly affects brain chemistry. If child has lost touch with upstairs brain (logical), a compelling way to help him regain balance by making him able to shake his body.

When we change physical state we actually change our emotional state. Our psychology is dependent on our physiology. Try smiling for a minute make you feel jubilant. Quick, shallow breaths coexist with anxiety, and if you take a slow deep breath, you will likely feel calmer. Neurons that fire together, wire together, also called Neuro-associative connections.When we experience, focus or concentrate on something, activates neural firing (Neurons which spring into action) Neural firing leads to the production of proteins that facilitate new connections to be wired among the activated neurons. Merely by asking questions and prompting recollection, you can assist your kids to commemorate and understand important events from the past that will help them better understand what’s happening to them in present.

Let the clouds of emotions roll by, Educate your kids that feelings and emotions come and go by . Emotions are states not traits. These are feelings. Sometimes we feel happy about anything and can be sad about something else. . Let’s take an example of weather rain is real, we would be foolish to stand in downpour and act as if it were not raining, but we would be just as fatuous to except that sun will never emerge again. Emotions and feelings are short-lived on average an emotion comes and goes in ninety seconds. for example I am not dumb i am feeling dumb right now.

Being born with muscles don’t make us athlete we have to train hard and develop skills. The same way we have to help our child develop the phrases of “we” “” our, instead of “me and mine”. Cultivating a “Yes” state of mind: helping kids be receptive to relationships

Yes makes them calm, peaceful and even light.

When our whole focus is on self defence, we remain in negative and reactive mode, “no” state of mind, do not listen to others. We just try to protect ourselves. 

When we are receptive. “Yes” switch of the brain becomes active, produces positive experience. Muscles of face and vocal cords relax , blood pressure and heart rate normalizes.  

Even as you maintain your authority, don’t forget to have fun , play games, tell jokes, be silly, take interest in what children care about, more time they enjoy and spend with you the more they will value relationships and desire more positive and healthy relational experiences in the future.

Brain cells communicate through neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical of reward, play, fun and amusement. During “Dopamine squirts ” something cheerful happens.

How much fun kids have together in their determines good sibling relationship later in the life. Siblings have moments and memories of joy and conflicts. As parent we need to make sure that we should give them those activities that produce positive emotions and memories,  

Your state of mind can influence your child’s state of mind, phenomenon called “Emotional contagion” letting you transform fussiness and peevishness into enjoyment, laughter and connection.

Instead of command and demand .....try playful parenting. Connection through conflict: Teach kids to argue with a “We” in mind. See through other people’ s eyes: help kids recognize other people’s point of view (Empathy). Instead of dismiss and deny......try connection through conflict. Listen to what’s not being said: Teach kids about nonverbal communication and attuning to other . Instead of saying that I don’t like the way you are talking, try. Can you think of another way to say this. The was which is more polite and acceptable.

In human dimension “Being” is “seeing”. As parents we need a paradigm shift and try to analyze the problem the way it is. Our perception of problem is the main stumbling block. Its a culture of heart to react to things egoistically and but we should follow a value based principle to respond proactively. Connecting to children with their emotions through feed back mechanism and the gradually turning them to more positive and rational behaviour.